If anyone is wondering where I have been…hell, again and I am back in recovery form.
Dealing with homelessness, domestic abuse/violence and getting back on my feet the best way I know how or at least trying to do so. Just like the BDSM Lifestyle in the Olde Guard, we learn by experiences.
Rock bottom is not bad when you create your new life based on the experiences and the lessons learned from your loss.
I lost a Submissive when he said that I chose someone else over him. Never happened. I let him go. He thanked me but I don’t consider what he said and done, in writing or otherwise, as a thank you. I let him go, cried, moved on and now find myself alone wondering where do I start over again…
Never throw anyone’s past mistake in their face, Karma doesn’t like that, but that is what he did, Dominants are allowed to make mistake, just be accountable for them, and I was, then the backhand of my past action made me think, this is what you are truly like when you don’t get what you want…someone saying this is what YOU did after you have atoned for it speaks volumes to me. In my mind, our relationship died when he said that to me.
It is the hardest thing to do. I had to give to myself what I give to other people. This I had never done before…
I have a hard time doing it because I don’t think that I deserve this kind of Love and Understanding and it is what I give my Submissives and Slaves…compassion, forgiveness, kindness, patience and time to develop the proper skills to be the best they can be…I now have to do that for myself including a new set of disciplinary rules to be a better Dominant.
I don’t mind being by myself. I find peace in it, more than ever and went back to researching the Lifestyle and found a new interest within myself.
No, I am not a Switch. This Period of Isolation, Humiliation and Whatever else it is to be has made me funnier, stronger, more aware of my internal nature and how to honor it. I did manage to find a soul who reports to me and makes sure my needs are met, he wants me to have what I need but I am keeping him at a distance. He knows my situation and I know his situation. I, in mind, a association, at best. This young man wants to make sure that I am pleased on every level, not sexually or sensually, not like that…he knows I have no interest in sex and simply want my life back, to have a new start, to have what is rightfully mines. He stays out of my way when he sees me on my path with a purpose of survival and problem solving. We are both going through a divorce. He likes my perseverance, discipline, manners, that I am anchored in my senses to stay grounded despite the chaos created around me. I want him to stabilize and be okay, have a better future and have a wonderful life with his child. I don’t want bad things to happen to good people, we are all in enough pain already as it is.
This is a test for me.
I did not abandon the lifestyle, BDSM or what I have kept dear to my heart that cannot be destroyed or harmed. Spiritual and other nonphysical things cannot be destroyed by abusive, narcissistic people…your soul will go through changes, storms, tribulations as such and when they, your enemy finds out that this Passionata Eternidades, BDSM and other forms of release is still there, they get mad, jealous….no one is meant to be everyone’s everything, EVER.
My Passionata Eternidades, BDSM, is there for a reason. Do not dismiss that fact. It is a part of my persona, life and well being, it is philosophical, yes, we can learn from it how to live life.
I am okay. I am getting through this mess the best I can, my being is still here, passion for the lifestyle, undisturbed, firmly intact.
Just remember, your Soul flows like a riverbed, nothing stays stagnant including relationships. This is why self love and self care has a place in our lives.
My personal appraisal of self isn’t done yet, next week, part two of this brief article will explain why I changed something about myself to endure and be able to write this piece.
Be Blessed and never forget to honor yourselves and Your Souls.