This is where I begin my journey.

I was 15 years old.

Wondering what it was like to be owned in a loving relationship. I never got my answer until later, still looking for that answer but I came across something better, more interesting and life affirming.

BDSM.

This made my world more solid, concrete and I enjoyed my life more than ever learning the many different ways of loving outside of the vanilla, Christian life in which I was raised.  Yes, it did include abuse but I balanced it out and decided that for me at certain points in my life, BDSM, kept me grounded in more ways than one.

This and the discovery of the Olde Guard, made me feel at home. I felt like I belonged, at last. Now, I AM 41, realizing that I am getting comfortable in my own skin, wrapping all of my BDSM, SEXUALITY AND SENSUALITY around me, taking comfort in my personal development without shame, guilt and no longer defending my choice of expression.

It is as I breathe, this is me, accept it or leave me the hell alone.

***The following texts in scarlet red…these articles will require whoever is reading this to find the matching titles and enjoy your reading experience.  ***

I will explore every five years of my life here and on my other page named Soulful Notes, which is being created as I am typing this blog entry….Namaste, Blessings to all who have read this today.

This article isn’t over…it’s just beginning.

Truly Yours.

Queenofheartsandswords

 

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Appraisal

If anyone is wondering where I have been…hell, again and I am back in recovery form.

Dealing with homelessness, domestic abuse/violence and getting back on my feet the best way I know how or at least trying to do so.  Just like the BDSM Lifestyle in the Olde Guard, we learn by experiences.

Rock bottom is not bad when you create your new life based on the experiences and the lessons learned from your loss.

I lost a Submissive when he said that I chose someone else over him.  Never happened.  I let him go. He thanked me but I don’t consider what he said and done, in writing or otherwise, as a thank you.  I let him go, cried, moved on and now find myself alone wondering where do I start over again…

Never throw anyone’s past mistake in their face, Karma doesn’t like that, but that is what he did, Dominants are allowed to make mistake, just be accountable for them, and I was, then the backhand of my past action made me think, this is what you are truly like when you don’t get what you want…someone saying this is what YOU did after you have atoned for it speaks volumes to me. In my mind, our relationship died when he said that to me.

It is the hardest thing to do.  I had to give to myself what I give to other people. This I had never done before…

I have a hard time doing it because I don’t think that I deserve this kind of Love and Understanding and it is what I give my Submissives and Slaves…compassion, forgiveness, kindness, patience and time to develop the proper skills to be the best they can be…I now have to do that for myself including a new set of disciplinary rules to be a better Dominant.

I don’t mind being by myself.  I find peace in it, more than ever and went back to researching the Lifestyle and found a new interest within myself.

No, I am not a Switch.  This Period of Isolation, Humiliation and Whatever else it is to be has made me funnier, stronger, more aware of my internal nature and how to honor it.  I did manage to find a soul who reports to me and makes sure my needs are met, he wants me to have what I need but I am keeping him at a distance.  He knows my situation and I know his situation.  I, in mind, a association, at best.  This young man wants to make sure that I am pleased on every level, not sexually or sensually, not like that…he knows I have no interest in sex and simply want my life back, to have a new start, to have what is rightfully mines.  He stays out of my way when he sees me on my path with a purpose of survival and problem solving.  We are both going through a divorce.  He likes my perseverance, discipline, manners, that I am anchored in my senses to stay grounded despite the chaos created around me.  I want him to stabilize and be okay, have a better future and have a wonderful life with his child.  I don’t want bad things to happen to good people, we are all in enough pain already as it is.

This is a test for me.

I did not abandon the lifestyle, BDSM or what I have kept dear to my heart that cannot be destroyed or harmed.  Spiritual and other nonphysical things cannot be destroyed by abusive, narcissistic people…your soul will go through changes, storms, tribulations as such and when they, your enemy finds out that this Passionata Eternidades, BDSM and other forms of release is still there, they get mad, jealous….no one is meant to be everyone’s everything, EVER.

My Passionata Eternidades, BDSM, is there for a reason. Do not dismiss that fact.  It is a part of my persona, life and well being, it is philosophical, yes, we can learn from it how to live life.

I am okay.  I am getting through this mess the best I can, my being is still here, passion for the lifestyle, undisturbed, firmly intact.

Just remember, your Soul flows like a riverbed, nothing stays stagnant including relationships.  This is why self love and self care has a place in our lives.

My personal appraisal of self isn’t done yet, next week, part two of this brief article will explain why I changed something about myself to endure and be able to write this piece.

Be Blessed and never forget to honor yourselves and Your Souls.

Yours Truly,

Queenofheartsandswords

 

Swing Time

Swing Clubs

Adult entertainment for couples with a twist and a cherry on top.

If properly managed…each group, club has its own setting, rules and regulations, succeeds in its own right.

Take you partner by the hand, for those of us who experience pleasure by another man’s hand, truly, we understand…monogamy is stale for some, a task, a chore but for other people it is paradise. There is a particular population of people like myself who goes beyond the 31 Flavors (Baskin Robbins) and 50 Shades of Grey has to this day, dismissed.

Sensual pleasure, consent, seeing your partner get turned on, yes, please, show us how to please our partners and ourselves…sexual exploration is the theme with lovely results when done properly and orgasms are abound and a plenty.

Sex education will be part of the package as well. Know your kink, the adult playground is ripe for the living, lustful, playful and if you are a submissive male who love to please the ladies you are in luck.  I found a disparaging number of women who turned to this lifestyle because conventional monogamy has left a sour taste in their mouth and hungering for a better sex life, the kind that goes, above and yonder into thigh trembling, body quaking, squirting orgasms….

Ladies and gentlemen, I am back with more colorful writing, grab your glasses of wine, champagne, beer, water…Momma’s home and naughtier than ever.

EXXOTICA 2016

I don’t want to say anything negative but me and my friends have a report to give in the hopes that it is well received and our input is not taken as an insult.  The MK Ultra crew, lead by Alex Zander, is an interesting group of people that I can say are friends, intellectuals, each of us has own specialty.  We left a little disappointed due to the boredom we felt at this year’s convention.  I came up with an idea for a movie about how we met at the bar on the final day of this year’s annual sexpot trek.

This year it was combined with Anime Midwest.  This was the best combination ever.

The Crowne Plaza Hotel was not exactly the best either, the Hyatt will be our reunion location and my husband will be with me, next year.

I missed my Dominant Mentor.  He wasn’t there and next to no one went to the Dungeon, Ladies night was the only night when it was truly active.  It seems as if hardcore freaks didn’t come out this year to play but it didn’t stop us from finding like minded people.  I wasn’t supposed to go this year but I did and was thinking Mr. Evan Stone know of different ways  to increasing the patronage for Chicago.

The hotel afterwards is another story. You know the Vegas line…what starts here, stays here..

My lips are sealed.

I had some protection, angels looked out for me.  I stayed on Sunday, July 10, 2016 due to some complications but it was cool.  I didn’t sleep all night.  I helped out my friends.  I got nicknames for us all in case the script might be a bit graphic for some viewers, being naughty…

Maybe we can pull together our ideas and make something special happen next year.  It seems that something productive can be made of this years’ decline of excitement.

There was a wedding this year.  I’ll post the video on Facebook tomorrow after my next go over of my photos and videos.  I am slightly tired from the traveling and grandmother duties.  My eyes are irritated and slightly blood shot, I cannot sleep right now until I get back home to Wisconsin in the quietness of the land with the stars, moon and my husband’s loving arms.

My partner is being patient and I do apologize for the delay from my last post but I was being a wife and homeowner and new grandmother.  A few new hats for this MILF/Domme to wear, I have to do it well so my adjustment period is a testament to my military training and what I have learned in life, endurance and being prayerful of things despite what is wrong these days.

Distance and time does make you yearn for home more than anything.  My heart is my home but I have to recharge with the memories of the hours of peace I have created with my partner…just a few days isn’t enough for me.

 

 

 

Conflicts

Well…

December 2016 did not start on a good foot, husband is upset, I don’t know about what and yes there was an argument that nearly led to physical violence.  His temper is getting out of control.  He has refused counseling and blames me for not communicating with him on his terms.  Either it’s his way or its not going to work. We did text today and he said that he wouldn’t fight with me after I arrive home on January 16th…I’m not sure and won’t  trust his word.  I cannot trust him because he may stab me in the back.

This marriage is abusive because of his controlling and demanding ways, he gets angry anytime I ask him about his first wife and how he treated her.  My identity is no longer at risk. Survival is the game, not living to be loved.

This is the meaning of the word conflict in a relationship at its potential worst…

MasterP35

The departure and the pop culture chipping away at the Old Guard is a big fat ugly mess.

50 Shades of Grey is crap and now everyone wants to be a Dominant and extract pleasure without any regard or respect to the meaning or act of respect with the intent of maintaining relationships in the BDSM Community.

It does not matter what political party we are, our ideals, time honored should not be chipped away, stripped down or told that its too old, archaic for a generation of people who don’t want to earn their place in the community as many of us have…respect for the elders in this community have waned, our commonsense and pride firmly established in our positions. We shall not go anywhere, the media doesn’t operate for the long term investment of one’s need to sustain their identity, no matter how it changes.

Remember that when these fake, pop, cracker jack self labeling Dominants who doesn’t have grey hair and does not know how to respect their Submissives nor themselves, we know what the real deal is and what it really takes to give and receive love for the long haul in this community. We know that we do not need to be popular to be known in this community. We are what we do for the passion and respect of it.

Stagnation

Is not good for anyone or anything.

Do not change to make anyone else happy because their misery will make you lose parts of yourself that are yours to own, develop, and manifest into something better, I learned this lesson with my husband.  He will never be happy with himself, comfortable in his own skin, my identity has been compromised, torn down and breathing the wrong way makes him worry for all of the wrong reasons.

I am a risk taker, gambler, connector, communicator, healer, spiritual, passionate, funny, liberating, heart-embracing, gifted, intuitive, sensual-sexual and above all human…Pain is part of Life, I cannot change anymore to suit his needs….the man needs to heal so that the man will come out…I told him that my needs are not fulfilled as his wife, he is the one who wants to be pampered, spoiled, this will not work, I know what I need in a relationship. He has what he needs and its not me.  I need to rebuild, reconstruct, make decisions more definitely, consistently and travel as I need to…I am not stuck my husband is and it is not my fault.  He is stagnant, I am not, he cannot live through me…he has a will and strength of his own…he needs to find it on his own, he may be my husband but I am my own woman.

My life as a Domme will be resurrected and my past successes are a part of my legacy.  I enjoy what I have accomplished, broke through my past traumas, now know how to live through my nightmares and how to help me heal and learn and heal from whatever this brain tumor has created…the brain lesion…well, the doctors told me to keep going and to take care of myself and follow my dreams and goals.

I got the green light.  It is time for me to live again, transform, make changes as I need to…to help me be a better person and know what it takes to get what I need to live a more fulfilling life…I will to go after what I want with and without regret.

I want passion, life, adventure…I want to have fun, be rebellious, enjoy my life as I see fit.

Time off and return to work

I had been working on my health and marriage over the last few months, trying to communicate better with my husband.  He has his issues of trust and communication that I am not used to, he should relax more, open up more but he is on his own time and character, not me, I cannot change only if I need to get better and I do.  I have a brain tumor and lesion.

I do not doing this as part of the BDSM scenario because health issue surrounding this life effects our performance and presence in this world.  Menopause and body change can have us as human beings waxing and waning at times.  It is to be expected as we age.

This probably won’t be a page long but shorter and sweeter than ever because I can look back and enjoy my experiences and say that I am proud of my development in the BDSM world, no regrets here.

My Submissives, I do miss them and they miss me.  I do hope to see them soon in better spirits with more wisdom about how we bide our time together once more.

The Hunter and the Hunted

That damned feeling I get when I see something I like sensually…

I like the thought of looking for a partner I can stimulate, mentally and sensually, for a long period of time.

The potential of what I can do to make a person sigh with pleasure, tremble with pleasure when I touch them, not to make them my conquest, is endless…I want my lovers to be my paramour waiting and wanting their courtesan’s gift of sensual enlightenment to ease their distress.

Hunting has a lot with finding a potential lover who can possibly be a match.  It takes skill and a trained eye to see who might be the one or the special type for the most sinful, enjoyable form of debauchery known to mankind.  I like to see who might be suitable for my type of debauchery with the utmost of reciprocation, mind you…”Thank you, Mistress,” is always an appreciative verbal gesture, if nothing else can be said.

The prey has a role in the hunting process.  It takes time, patience and a bit of diplomacy. Yes, I said diplomacy.  Tact and diplomacy, good manners are like vintage wine and a sensual meal, they go hand in hand…I am the wine and the prey is the meal, always to be had…always.

The transparency of a soul’s sensual yearning appears when the base, primal desire reveals to be either spiritual or sexual, even more interestingly enough kinky.  This is what I am hunting down: my lover/slave/submissive vulnerability during the scene and their soul’s deepest desire when I look into their eye at their point of orgasm.  It does matter how a Dominant regards such a nature when consent is given in the realm of BDSM.

Sexually, things doesn’t last long for me, unless I’m on the quest to obtain a certain kind of kink to match a certain kind of orgasm and sensual enjoyment to match and the aftercare has to be just as good as the act itself.

I need a challenge to keep me thinking of what potential pleasure I can get from learning, experiencing, feeling the joy, keep the wheels turning in my head when I’m building up towards an orgasm, mines and my lover…how good can I make it for me and my partner, especially when rope play is involved.

Being in BDSM, has allowed me to have the pleasure of being me, from my previous relationships, no matter the sexual orientation, I am okay with my sexuality flowing as it needs to as long as I learn how to be a better lover and Dominant is my goal.

 

 

Reunions

I’m trying to figure out where does my sensuality, sexuality and true passion reside…Being a former Submissive was not exactly a pleasure at times but I learned what not to have as a Submissive.  As a Domme, by request by some four times recently by my former Chicago Submissives, strangely, there is only one of me and no one else can fulfill their desires…so be it…

My beloved doesn’t understand, this makes my juices flow, my soul says, “Yes and Amen”, anytime I hear of such a request. EXXXotica, July 8-10,2016…I’m going hell or high water.  This is my annual trek to my Adult playground, I would like to find more BDSM conventions and such venues to travel more and become better than what I was in this lifestyle.  I have reformulated some things but I am more calmer and building a better foundation than what I started…

Momma needs some new toys.